24th October 2009

I just got back from the Octoberfest event.

I suppose this post will be more unfiltered than usual, since it's late and I'm writing under the influence of some alcohol. (Admitted.)

I miss B. I'm worried that as time passes I will mean less and less to him. I'm afraid I will end up as an obligation.  I'm scared. And mostly, I really do miss B.

Affirmation. I am still attractive, apparently, marginally maybe. As evidenced by the free beer. Though that's kinda sad too.

"Is that tall guy you were with your boyfriend?" "No." "Where's your boyfriend?" "Offshore."

I'm feeling kinda despondent..lodged in the back of my mind and nagging at me, just sadness. I'm alone, I'm far from perfect. I'm less attractive than I used to be. And I was probably never that pretty anyways. I wish, I wish... Everything I'm not, and can never be.. Wish to be good enough for you.

Another thing.. The lights and the alcohol, when I'm alone and slightly sad, make me feel sadder. And more alone, and more useless. More pathetic, more insubstantial. Amplification maybe.

Come back, please. I don't want you to dance with me, or buy me things. I just want to feel wanted by you. I just want to feel secure in the knowledge that I'm enough. I miss you.

And now I am crying. Again.