26th April 2010

So many events have happened since my last entry. Small things maybe, inconsequential probably. Yet they affect my life.

Within the first few days of April, I joined up as an Avon representative. This statement is not one that I have ever imagined uttering in all seriousness, not in all my wildest imaginations. How very unlikely. And yet, it has come to pass. It is not even within what I thought was my character.
Character.
Recently I've made a conscious choice to resist against defining myself. Without a concrete definition of who I am, I figure I will be more free. Maybe.

Back to the rambling, disjointed though it may be - I decided to join Avon to earn some pocket money. And yet, the very idea of direct selling repulses me. I still find commerce to be ignoble and crass. To offset some of my contradicting thoughts, as well as to serve as a business strategy (another incongruity), I'd decided to sell all the items at 5% off the printed price. This is a pretty major discount, considering the profit margin isn't that great (it starts at 10%) and I'm really only earning small change.
All well. It's fine as a sort of past-time.

Anyways, it was pretty much work as usual for the first half of April. New colleagues, new contacts, new tasks and projects. B going offshore, B coming back onshore. On repeat. Same old same old.

One striking difference: last Friday was Bonus Day. The office hasn't been the same since. The mood and tone now amongst the other colleagues is decidedly negative. I have come to realize how big a motivation cold hard cash is to most people.

The office is now engrossed in griping and rebelling in small, sadly petty ways. Some are justified in their dissatisfaction, other definitely not. It's horrible to watch as things disintegrate slightly. I hope it's just a passing phase and things will return to work as usual.

From that statement, I guess I have drawn myself apart from the dissidents. Monetary gains are important, very important. And of course I would like to earn more, as would any sane person. But to let standards slip and to shatter into shadows of your former selves because of money?

Ah, there, note my tone of superiority. My conceit and senseless pride. My cold heart manifests itself so clearly as I am able to cut off those who fall short.
This cold, hard part of me is always mostly hidden. I believe it would scare or disgust most people. I guess B's appalled by it - this part of me.
Hmm.. so again, I define myself? I guess all of life goes in a circle.