15th March 2010

I've shifted my blog again. Ah, I guess some things haven't changed. I'm still pretty much anti-social and reclusive. Still don't like revealing myself.
Wonder if I'll ever be able to just write, put my thoughts up for public display.
Haha.. Even that sounds so distasteful. I phrase it in such unpleasant terms. Sigh.

So, now what?
Life continues. And I guess I'll carry on jotting down my notes, hidden somewhere. Coming up for air from time to time. Selecting companionship. Hilarious isn't it, so why so dreary? Perhaps it's just a mood now.

I've realized that I tend to reflect inwards more when I'm almost hidden. As if I'm more free to think.

I think I know why I'd rather fall asleep without eating dinner, why I'd rather boil cup noodles in the room. Why I quite loathe to go down and wash my clothes. Why I'd rather go down past midnight and set my alarm for the washing.
I very strongly suspect that it's because I am an extremely picky person when it comes to human interaction.
I tend to avoid people I am not close to, tend to avoid forming any bonds or relationships of any form with people I do not feel particularly inclined towards.

Because, in Bintulu, I was alone. Totally alone. And things were not so. I was free to eat, to do my washing, to live in my space.
And living with loved ones- family, friends, people dear to me - I'm fine, happy, contented. I can live in the shared space peacefully.

But being in the same vicinity as people I care nothing for, and yet am forced to interact with just for the sake of societal norms - it's a very jarring nuisance to me. It chafes at me.
I'd rather be alone, for days and days, with no companion but the walls around me. I'd rather leave the confines of the space and surround myself with strangers, the cashiers, the waitresses, the sales clerks, the people around who are not real personalities to me, just semi-developed A-I, backdrops which allow the stage that is life harmonious continuity.

Wonder why I'm like this?

I don't think I'm that callous, and yet I can feel absolutely nothing but disdain and apathy for those I've cast aside as useless. Sometimes I find myself annoyed at this coldness.

Evaluating whether I may have any personality disorder, or even borderline.
Though I tend to avoid certain social interactions, I definitely don't suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD), as I lack the necessary humility required to qualify for the disorder. Haha.
I also don't think that I am suffering from Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) either - though I really do think I am only superficially charming and at times lack remorse or empathy (very rarely though, and in isolated cases). I also think I am rather narcissistic sometimes and hold certain social obligations and norms in very low regard (though not all - I am very particular about queuing up properly).

All I know is this: it would be nice if B were back onshore. And then I would be comfortable in this space, again.

Emotional mess, sometimes. It's a good thing I have a sense of humour. It keeps me grounded, and even in the midst of all the melancholia, I do know that I'm an idiot. Haha.
Bleah.

Goodnight.